Turn off the car, breathe the air

Simple Life
by the Weepies

Can I get up in the moming
Put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say "hey" to the sun...
Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?
They'd hear just the tune
Not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

I dreamed you first
But not so real
And everyday since I've found you
Such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
We hold our hearts between them.
But will you hear me and know?

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

Move on, move on
Time is accelerating.
Drive on all night
Traffic lights and one-ways.
Move on, move on
Parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air
Let's stay here.

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name
And every star at night.
We'll weave our days together like waves
And particles of light.

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

I love this song. I am so tempted to tell my parents I can't work for them. They seem so hardnosed about me working for them, and I am not in a place where I can really dive into a new job with both feet. I doubt my husband would be thrilled with me not working, but I honestly don't know how he would cope with me having another full-time job. Since I am not really capable of managing stress like others, it would turn out just like the last job. I can only give so much, and if I have to give it all at work, I have nothing left for home.

I have been thinking of going back to the YMCA. It is only minimum wage and usually only 12 hours a week, more if I want, but I could get a free membership- so somewhere to walk when it is raining and more importantly yoga classes, free! I have been walking every day and doing my yoga every day. I can tell the difference in how I feel. Still trying to incorporate a salad and fruit into every day.

I still feel trapped by all of the clutter in the home, but hopefully it will help when I get the garage cleared out and donated. Then I can work small spaces at a time until I am totally free.

I am trying to remember to breathe each day. I've even been teaching the girls to breathe mindfully. Tristyn has started to show signs of panic attacks, especially after school. The broken arm is weighing on her. I am so hopeful she can go to a half arm cast tomorrow, but the husband says that it is not possible for her break. At least, we'll see how it is healing and whether it is healed enough for her to ride the bus.

Not breaking my day into chunks where I drop them off and pick them up will allow me to have a more fluid day. Of course, the husband grounded Tay from his car, so I'll likely be driving him to and from school. At least that is only 2 miles away.

I have errands to run- mostly returns to make, then lunch/journaling, pick up kids, declutter the garage, take Tay to doctor and to get his medicine, eat dinner and crochet. That is a lot in the car. Tomorrow is worse. Drop off girls, get bloodwork done, walk, yoga, blog, laundry/dishes/trash, lunch/journal, declutter, pick up girls, Tristyn's ortho appt, back home again. I hate days that are one big to do list. Looking forward to the weekend and time to breathe.

Job Confusion

I am in angst again over my job situation (new job, not old job). I feel that I acted in haste and now am worried that I made the wrong choice. I am not sure how I am going to cope with having no alone time whatsoever.

My gut is saying work a late shift, so that I can have my mornings to myself. This has been the most soul renewing part of my time off- the quiet mornings I spend alone. I also am concerned that although I love children, working with them impairs my ability to be patient and tolerant of my own children. I feel that I would be better suited to a job in retail, until my children are grown.

Unfortunately though, I have made a commitment and so I have to follow through with it at least until May. If I find that this job/schedule doesn't work for me, I can make a change after taking the summer off to spend not working, but playing with my kids.

The upsides to this job is that it allows me to be home when they are home, with the exception of some school holidays that I don't have off, and allows me summers off. That means no day care for the girls, which is preferable for me. They seem to need a lot more down time, like I do.

We will see how this works out starting the Tuesday after Labor Day. I hope all goes well. It would be nice if it worked out to my benefit considering the summers off.

God sees the love I have shown...

Last night's Bible study was another tearjerker. My mom came. I thought it was a great way for us to reconnect, and I also thought that she would really enjoy the study.

I have spent the last (almost) four weeks crying since I resigned from my job. (Of course, this was preceded by the months of crying I spent wanting to resign.) Some was regret, some was guilt, but most was hurt. I hate leaving my families behind. I hate leaving a church that I called home for 4 years. I feel guilty for those whose lives were disrupted by my leaving. I honestly didn't know my worth to these families until I was gone.

You would think that the most important thing about a center is the teacher. These parents said the opposite. They said I was the reason they came, that they knew I genuinely loved their children, and that I would look after their children no matter who the teacher was. This both broke my heart and renewed my spirit.

After spending the last six months being systematically beaten down emotionally and spiritually, I had come to believe that I was not enough. That I was not good enough. That I was not smart enough. That I was not organized enough. That I was not working hard enough. That I was not holy enough. These parents told me that I was enough, that my love for their children was visible and that it was enough.

Still, why is it so much easier to listen to the negative voices than the positive ones? I am continually being told of what is being said about me by my former boss, my former employee (who I had thought was my friend but I see now how wrong I was), and my predecessor. These voices drown out all the positive things I have heard.

Last night though, I spotted a verse that spoke volumes to me.

Hebrews 6:10

God is not unjust, he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.

God sees it all. He doesn't care what the gossips are saying about me. He doesn't care if I neglected the finances and organization while I worked my fanny off this year teaching 4K and directing the program, not to mention acting as a de facto Children's Minister for the church. He saw the love I showed the children and their parents and will never forget how I helped them. He said, "L, this was never about money or neatly organized file cabinets. This was about caring for my most precious gifts. The love was more important than anything."

I am a reality show, with an audience of one. When I watch "Big Brother" or some other guilty pleasure reality show, I always root for who I like. "No, don't align with them - they are snakes!" "Just walk away! Don't lower yourself to their level." "Don't be fooled- if they backstab others, they WILL backstab you!"

God is my audience. He is watching me and rooting for me. I need to spend more time listening for his voice so I can avoid the pitfalls and make the right steps. It helps to have hints from the audience, because sometimes when you are in the show, you get caught up in the drama and deception and lose sight of the big picture. He is the only one with the big picture, so I need to listen for his secret messages to me.

How? Spend more time praying, spend more time reading scripture, and spend more time around Godly friends, who won't tell me what I want to hear, but will tell me the truth.

Amazing Bible Study Night!

Bible Study was amazing last night. We are doing Faithful Abundant True. I was so powerfully moved by the DVD viewing. Normally such things leave me cold, but last night's speaker was Kay Arthur (may I have her energy when I am her age). She was on fire and really spoke straight to my heart. I have been going through such travails with my (former) job, and she spoke on suffering and persecution.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but I had just left my job because, although it was a church, and I was in charge of running a Christian ministry, I felt that I was being pressured to make un-Christlike decisions. I refused, of course, but the fallout let to such dissension among my employees and with my boss that I eventually felt I had to leave. Constantly fighting for what you believe in is stressful, and it was negatively impacting my physical and emotional health, as well as my family.

Running a ministry isn't something that you just walk away from. I fought hard to ensure that the employees and clients were protected, but ultimately I have no power. I had to leave it in God's hands.

I was blown away by this verse, Proverbs 4:27. "Do not swerve to the right or the left..." Kay said something like, "I will not turn to the right or the left- I will do as God has commanded me!" I felt like that that was the position I had been in, being pressured to swerve, but I walked God's path even as it led me out the door. Even as it led me away from what I had *believed* was my calling.

So many tears have been shed. I had to pray last night to forgive myself because I was mired in guilt from leaving people I had made promises to, even though it meant that those promises might not be honored. I had to trust that God is in control, not me, and that I had to lay their situations at His feet, and let myself off the hook.

I also had to pray to release myself from the sin of pride. I have such a deep need to be respected, admired, and appreciated. I have been so weighed down by the thoughts and feelings that by quitting others would see me as weak, incompetent, not capable, not good enough. I don't feel like I can share all the things that led me to quit without dishonoring my former church, pastor, and ministry. I have been burdened by the feeling for the last several months that my boss, my pastor, didn't like who I was. While he once seemed so grateful to have me on staff and seemed to regard me as a valuable asset, I felt he began to criticize my every word and every move. I felt that he looked at me and saw someone who was trash, not Godly, not good, not competent, not reliable, not capable. But...God never promised us that we would have high regard from others. He said we would be persecuted and we would suffer. Even though I have done wrong- I am not perfect- I have said and done things that weren't in God's will, I have also done so much good. I have tried my best to overcome my sinful nature and be as much like Jesus as I could. For now, I need to let myself be fulfilled by how God sees me, not by how others see me.