I have spent the last (almost) four weeks crying since I resigned from my job. (Of course, this was preceded by the months of crying I spent wanting to resign.) Some was regret, some was guilt, but most was hurt. I hate leaving my families behind. I hate leaving a church that I called home for 4 years. I feel guilty for those whose lives were disrupted by my leaving. I honestly didn't know my worth to these families until I was gone.
You would think that the most important thing about a center is the teacher. These parents said the opposite. They said I was the reason they came, that they knew I genuinely loved their children, and that I would look after their children no matter who the teacher was. This both broke my heart and renewed my spirit.
After spending the last six months being systematically beaten down emotionally and spiritually, I had come to believe that I was not enough. That I was not good enough. That I was not smart enough. That I was not organized enough. That I was not working hard enough. That I was not holy enough. These parents told me that I was enough, that my love for their children was visible and that it was enough.
Still, why is it so much easier to listen to the negative voices than the positive ones? I am continually being told of what is being said about me by my former boss, my former employee (who I had thought was my friend but I see now how wrong I was), and my predecessor. These voices drown out all the positive things I have heard.
Last night though, I spotted a verse that spoke volumes to me.
God is not unjust, he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.
God sees it all. He doesn't care what the gossips are saying about me. He doesn't care if I neglected the finances and organization while I worked my fanny off this year teaching 4K and directing the program, not to mention acting as a de facto Children's Minister for the church. He saw the love I showed the children and their parents and will never forget how I helped them. He said, "L, this was never about money or neatly organized file cabinets. This was about caring for my most precious gifts. The love was more important than anything."
I am a reality show, with an audience of one. When I watch "Big Brother" or some other guilty pleasure reality show, I always root for who I like. "No, don't align with them - they are snakes!" "Just walk away! Don't lower yourself to their level." "Don't be fooled- if they backstab others, they WILL backstab you!"
God is my audience. He is watching me and rooting for me. I need to spend more time listening for his voice so I can avoid the pitfalls and make the right steps. It helps to have hints from the audience, because sometimes when you are in the show, you get caught up in the drama and deception and lose sight of the big picture. He is the only one with the big picture, so I need to listen for his secret messages to me.
How? Spend more time praying, spend more time reading scripture, and spend more time around Godly friends, who won't tell me what I want to hear, but will tell me the truth.